Shite Monitor

Picture this –the brown, smelly small and big lumps of turd, in thousands, maybe more, floating on the breasts of our revered holy rivers, as a social pariah, drifting silently and aimlessly along the burn with no destination in sight except getting stuck unwittingly to some innocent floater’s body!

Incontestably Indian rivers are overwhelmed with raw sewage and authorities need to announce some new measures to combat the brown menace. A contingent of mobile hazmat clad lifeguards is desperately required to rescue swimmers engulfed with turd and to hose the exposed people down with chemicals and remove all that shit on their bodies and prevent possible infection.

No political joke is intended here because our political jokes are already elected. The Khaadisters need to be quick off the mark since the situation is grave. 60% of the sewage generated in urban India is untreated according to National Green Tribunal and what is alarming is that it is being brazenly discharged from the bowels of our sewage plants into rivers and other water bodies, polluting the environment and making the water unfit for human consumption.

The untreated turd discharged by the big daddy - the shit treatment plants, is left to float disconcertedly on the water bodies. The innocent looking floating turd appears to be screaming at us -- “Bastards you all are so full of shit!”

The way things are soon we will have to deal with aquatic creatures which have already been mutated by various drugs and other noxious substances present in the untreated sewage, which they have been eating! Maybe a day will come when we will have to deal with a giant shit spewing terrifying Godzilla type dinosaur creature coming out our water bodies to destroy our cities!

There have been reports that some seafarers found themselves becalmed in turd-infested Sargasso in high seas with overwhelming stench and swarm of flies! Unbeknownst to any lubber sculler he may find himself beating off with oars some horrible smelling, slimy brown tentacle thing which may attack and swoop down on them and deposit huge turd in their boat

Rescuing the rivers and water bodies of the brown stuff is merely treating the symptoms, rather than actually getting to grips with the problem itself. The real challenge is to keep the brown stuff away from the rivers and water bodies in the first place.

We can look into putting up barriers, like the nets to try and keep that stuff at bay. Another solution could be to try and scrape it all off the water before it gets far and deep at source itself using fishing nets or something The Swachh Bharat contingent should be equipped with shovels to clear the discharged turd from the butt of sewage plants. We will probably have to bury them in pits, or something, after all turd-strewn rivers, is a question mark on seriousness of “Mission Swachh Bharat”!

The authorities are simply not taking the threat to public health posed by the current tsunami of shit seriously enough. Sooner or later, people are going to get seriously ill as a result of swallowing a turd.

The truth is that the influx of effluent has already disrupted the river and coastal ecosystem. Fish are eating the turd and soon they will taste like shit when they reach our tables! Worse still our punters will soon start finding turd along with fish cache!

The problem with the authorities is that they just don’t seem to grasp the scale of the problem and are reluctant to take responsibility.

So why don’t we take the problem to them?

How would they like having shit from the rivers and seas on their door step?

I don’t know how effective that will be as a protest but if it becomes their problem, they might start acting! Out of Frustrootion!